Trust in yourself and your feelings: the 4th essential of mindfulness practice. My Monday night group and I will be sitting with this for the next week.
I have a long way to go with this practice. I sit here right now afraid to write all that is in my head. Afraid to share it with the world, on my blog, or on FB. Afraid for people to see it, to see me. Afraid that no one will see it. So then there it is, the operative word: Afraid.
Fear of me, of you, of now, of later, of nothing, of everything. And yet….
And yet, I’m calm in the middle of all that so something’s working. Could be the residual effect of the all day sit on Sunday, which I needed desperately. (Check out the photos on FB. It was fantastic to sit together with some of my old Sangha and some of my new students, all friends.)
Back to trust. Trust in the three jewels of Buddhism: Buddha, Dharma, Sangha. Practically speaking, it’s not so easy; emotionally it’s even harder.
What I’m grappling with in this moment and afraid to write about is not only my future, but what is the best and most important thing to do in this moment?
As I write this I realize I am doing it: writing long hand with my fountain pen in my “Blog” notebook. “But what about my life?” my brain asks. “How will you make money? Pay the bills? Afford what you need? What direction should I take? How should I spend my time?”
What I want to do is work on my fiction writing: my second novel in the Alex Sullivan Zen mystery series that I started years ago. (The first in the series will be published as an e-book real soon).
Then there’s the Vermont business plan to work on; and the New York Samu marketing plan; and the corporate workshop plan; and the social media plan; and the find more clients plan; and…and…and…
And which will be the most lucrative? And which will most satisfy my heart-mind? And can I trust that whatever next step I take will be the right one?
Yes is my first reaction. But I can’t always trust my first reaction. Sometimes I feel as if I blundered years ago when I trusted my reaction to switch literary agents. (Read my blog post about that.)
Sitting with the question of trust a little longer, it is still yes. I realize that I am beginning to trust again.
I take a deep breath. I move toward doing the next right thing. And as Master Rinzai once said: “I will know what to do when I get there.”