The night before I quit smoking forever, 25 years ago, I chain-smoked a whole pack of cigarettes. I had a smoker’s cough; I wanted to free myself from the tyranny of nicotine; and I did not want to follow in my father’s wake and die from lung cancer. But I also didn’t want to lose my friend, my companion, my crutch that helped me cope with feelings of uselessness, self-pity and fear.
The toxic inhalation of 20 cigarettes in a few short hours, to help quell the panic I was feeling about quitting, satisfied nothing, but made me feel sick enough the next morning to delay the inevitable craving I knew would come. And other than a cigarette here and there over the years—when I spent three months in Paris in 1997 I would sometimes smoke in an outdoor café while sipping my café au lait; I told myself it didn’t count, it was Paris—I never returned to the habit.
Today is the day, once again, to give up refined sugar, the drug that doesn’t look like a drug.
Two nights ago, in preparation, I ate a 12.6 oz bag of my favorite poison—the one I consume when I’m lonely or depressed or angry—M&M’s peanut chocolate candies; hoping it would make me sick enough to stay away from sweet things for a day or two. It didn’t work. I loved eating every sugar-coated-chocolate-covered-colorful peanut. And I wanted more the next day! I didn’t have more but I did eat another chocolate treat last night for my final hurrah.
Proof that I’m a sugar addict: I cannot eat just a bite, I cannot order a sweet with my café au lait in Paris, I cannot not want more.
It was about 20 years ago when I first decided to swear off sugar. I don’t remember exactly the day or the year as I hadn’t yet admitted I was an addict, but I was on a health kick and knew sugar wasn’t healthy, so I stopped eating it and felt better. But I do remember exactly when I decided to fall off that wagon and eat some chocolate.
It was April 1992 and I was living in a Zen Buddhist Monastery. I had lost my job and I was somewhat lost myself. My favorite monk had died early in the year and I wasn’t sure why I was there. All my usual touchstones, grounding me to life as I knew it, were not available. I still have a visceral recollection of missing my phone and answering machine—there were no cellphones yet—every time I walked into my austere room. I was lonely, out of touch and scared. It was a very strict environment with no entertainment or distraction. Except, each morning, there would be a small sweet offered with our tea. I caved early on in my stay and savored every tiny morsel. There was never enough to over indulge so I convinced myself I could finally eat sugar responsibly. Until I returned to the real world, when slowly but surely my consumption of it escalated into the danger zone and once again I had to quit.
Much as I hate to admit it, I’m an all or nothing gal when it comes to addictive substances.
I have been refined-sugar free for most of the past 20 years. I wish I had kept closer track. Today, Monday, August 13, 2012 I once again swear off eating refined sugar products—no matter how I’m feeling, no matter what is going on, no matter whom I offend by declining an offer of sweets.
I choose this date because I know I’ll remember it: two years ago on Friday, August 13 I got married. I wasn’t depressed or lonely or sad. I was happy. I wanted to celebrate. I ate the dessert. It was beautiful, it was scrumptious, it was perfect.
I told myself that would be it, just one day of indulgence. Instead, no surprise here, it triggered the sugar craving that lasted two years and culminated with that bag of M&M’s.
Already I am beginning to bargain with myself about this resolution. At the end of this week I leave for a two-week vacation in the country, where most of the entertainment is self created. A visit to the local Creemee Stand each night after dinner is our recently established custom.
I’m thinking that I may allow myself a scoop or two and start the no-sugar-no-matter-what diet after vacation. Maybe instead of eating sweets, what if I tried some wheaties? are wheaties healthy? But I don’t have to decide that right now. All I know is that for today I vow not to eat any refined sugar products. We’ll see about tomorrow, tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I do wish you luck! And I understand. I’ve been clean from drink and drug for 29 years. The hardest to quit was smoking cigarettes. That’s been since 1990 I think. When I quit smoking pot–my all time favorite, I played a little game with myself. I said that even though it was a day at a time; when I turn 70 I will go back to it. I still have 17 years to change my mind 🙂
I’ve never had much of a sweet tooth, yet I know it’s a powerful addiction. Tonight I will dedicate my prayers to you. All the best to you!
Congratulations on your long term sobriety! I, too, have been drink and drug free for many years, 27 this year. We’re both winners. I once said if I lived to 80 I’d buy a bottle of bourbon and a pack of unfiltered cigarettes. How alike we are. Today that idea no longer appeals so I’m grateful for that. The sugar thing is another story – I never ate much sugar when I was drinking and for most of my sober years have been sugar free. It’s a process and I’ll have another story soon about that. Thanks for your comments and your prayers.
We quit smoking the identical way 25 years ago except you were focused on withdrawal and I on failure. I had quit a couple of dozen times in three months and was really trying to quit quitting. Sugar is a bitch. I’m snacking before I realize it and although I maintain some control over portions I’m lost as to frequency. Just a little bit is an almost unconscious mantra. I wish you great success and hope to follow in your footsteps.
P.S. I came across a plaque that I’m putting back up on my wall –
“Discipline is remembering what you want”
I love that quote. As for the sugar, like with all my addictions, the first time is a gift. I have to follow up on the above as it didn’t stick till Sept 11. So now I have 23 days off sugar and it’s still hard. But I do feel better. If you want to count days with me, let me know. Always good to have company.